life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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