Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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