How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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