i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
