i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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