just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
