I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Enjoy the penises
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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