between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
