i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize