if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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