We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize