Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
