I wish my penis had an off switch
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
