Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
