I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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