they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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