I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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