Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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