OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
