my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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