I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can I color on your dick again?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
