I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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