I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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