Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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