weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
