I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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