Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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