Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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