You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
