we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
