My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
