Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
