I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
