TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
