i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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