Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
