I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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