You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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