ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just cropdusted the office
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
