just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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