did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
