YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
