I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Is it because I queefed?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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