I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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