What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
