did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize