if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
