She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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