Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
