the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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