So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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