NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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