We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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