My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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