I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
