Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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