You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
