She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
