I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize