We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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