Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize