No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My penis needs a shock collar
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
