it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
