Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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