also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
