He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
